Gaga For Gaia

Two bears have been prowling my neighborhood —out and about, high-spirited after hibernation, looking to have a Teddy Bear’s Picnic. Or so you’d believe if you dropped by from deep space and heard the well-coached mantras people repeat like automatons: “We have encroached on their habitat; they mean us no harm; don’t be such a speciesist; let them feast in peace; let’s live in harmony with nature.”
The problem is that the bears haven’t heard of these theories. Neither has the robust cougar population. The managerial state and its wild-life emissaries are responsible for breeding out healthy human habits—self defense, for one. But the hooey-spreading propagandists have failed to achieve similar results with the wild-animal population, now out of control. The proverbial wolf doesn’t yet dwell with the lamb nor does the leopard lie down with the kid. While Western man works to rid himself of the most basic ethical and sensible instincts, like defending his kinfolk, animals remain true to their nature. As surprising as it may seem, wild beasts still believe their pointy teeth and sharp claws are meant for ripping flesh—any flesh, the easier the better.
It makes perfect animal sense to attack a thing that is docile, slow, and passive, like the not very sapient Homo sapiens. It’s been decades since animals were aggressively repelled from human habitat, and they now “brazenly make themselves at home in manicured suburbs.” An unafraid animal is a dangerous animal; an unafraid human is an endangered fool.
And so, the casualties of animal attacks are shrugged off. There is nothing to learn. The only lessons learned, ala the odious Oprah, are a victim’s lessons of survival: plaudits to you for living to tell how you lost half your face. What a hero you are for curling up in the fetal position and pretending to be a porcupine! You punched Ursus americanus with your powder puff?! You go girl! A real man who greets a bear on the balcony with blazing guns is investigated. Did he Mirandize the bear? Was it a justified “homicide”?
Honest experts admit attacks are up because pinko policies—the kind that have placed animals and their haunts above humans and their habitat—have bred fearless critters. It used to be that men killed and hunted encroaching creatures. Thanks to decades of cultural queering and legal emasculation, men no longer have the urge to protect home and hearth. Instead, they now robotically spew the Sierra Club’s subliminal propaganda: as the true homesteaders of the planet, animals should inherit the earth. Humans come second.
Human beings should care for and be kind to animals. That’s ethical. But people’s safety and survival must always precede that of animals. A society that reverses this ethical order is philosophically primitive, base, and immoral. Indeed the antediluvian, wild-animal worship is thoroughly pagan, down to its human sacrifice.
Although our local wild-life officials admit that “there are increasing problems related to cougar and bear,” and that they “need to meet the increased calls for service,” they will not be preempting a bear attack in my neighborhood any time soon. Pulverizing far-away lands is the closest government comes to fulfilling its obligation to protect the people.