printFiddler On The Roof 2 – The Sequel
By Myron Pauli, who, by day, is a physicist and a father to one girl*
“Fiddler on the Roof” (the original) is coming near my home in early June. I was thinking that the original, however quaint, is far outdated and perhaps it is time for a sequel.
Fiddler on the Roof 2 takes place in current America. Tevye is now a Reform Jew with several daughters ready for marriage:
Deborah: Daddy, I am going to get married to Sol. Sol
is a complete atheist and insists that we do not expose our children to any religion.
Tevye: But does he give money to Common Cause and Handgun Control and Peace Now and all the right charities?
Deborah: Of course, Daddy.
Tevye: And he’s Jewish! You have my blessing.
Rebekkah: Daddy, I want to get married. I am going to marry a Rabbi.
Tevye: A rabbi – what an honor!
Rebekkah: Her name is Rachel, you will love her.
Tevye: I hope she’s reform and not conservative!
Rebekkah: What kind of a girl did you raise? Of course!
Miriam: Daddy, I am going to marry David. He’s a practicing Reform Jew and a great husband.
Tevye: You mean you THINK he’ll make a great husband.
Miriam: No, daddy, his six other wives tell me he is a wonderful husband and father.
Tevye: Well, you have my blessing.
Sarah: Daddy, I’m in love – and he’s Jewish. He is a little different, however. He works at the kiddie farm and he loves children. I hope you are tolerant and approve of diversity.
Tevye: Can I meet him? What’s his name.
Sarah: His name is Mr. Ed. He’s right outside.
Tevye: Mr. Ed is a horse.
Sarah: Daddy, don’t be a stick-in-the-mud. I met Mr. Ed at the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals rally. Ask him a few questions.
Tevye: Mr. Ed, do you keep kosher.
Ed: Nay
Tevye: Mr. Ed, do you refuse to work on Saturday?
Ed: Nay
Tevye: Do you contribute to any right-wing causes?
Ed: Nay nay nay
Tevye: You have my blessing.
Bella: Daddy, I want you to meet a great guy whom I met at the Greenpeace rally. His name is Sven.
Tevye: Oi, a goy!
Bella: He’s willing to convert to Reform Judaism. He’s studied all the principles of Reform Judaism. Go quiz him.
Tevye: Ok, Sven. What is the greatest choice a woman can make?
Sven: To have an abortion. A late term, partial-birth abortion is the highest calling possible.
Tevye: How about this one – what does the Bible say about homosexuality?
Sven: The Bible teaches us that we must tolerate diversity and condemn those heathens who promote heterosexuality, monogamy, and other perversions.
Tevye: Well, you do sound learned. But I will ask you one more question because I have to be careful. What is absolutely forbidden according to our sacred scrolls?
Sven: Bork!
Tevye: Gotchaa! I just had a ham and cheese this morning.
Sven: Not pork, I said Bork! Robert Bork, that right-wing judge who would make women have coathanger abortions and enslave all black people.
Tevye: Of course, Sven. You are truly a mensch and a true believer. Enjoy your life with Bella.
Hanna: Daddy, I’m going to marry Moshe.
Tevye: What’s that silly round thing on his head?
Hanna: It’s a kippa.
Tevye: What – he’s keeping his bald spot hidden?
Hanna: No, it’s a yarmulke. Moshe is Orthodox.
Tevye: Oi vey!
Hanna: We’re going to set up a kosher home in Hebron in Judea and keep all 613 mitzvot [commandments].
Tevye: No No NO NO NO!!!! He’s Orthodox!! He’s going to be an imperialist obstruction to the Peace Process – a settler! A right-winger! Oi! Oi! Kosher! Oi! Sabbath – oh, no! An atheist – OK. A lesbian – OK. A polygamist – OK. A horse – OK. A goy – OK. But Orthodox! Young lady, you have gone too far! Have you forgotten how you were raised?
I have no daughter! OUT OF MY HOUSE!
******
* Barely a Blog (BAB) contributor Myron Pauli grew up in Sunnyside Queens, went off to college in Cleveland and then spent time in a mental institution in Cambridge MA (MIT) with Benjamin Netanyahu (did not know him), and others until he was released with the “hostages” and Jimmy Carter on January 20, 1981, having defended his dissertation in nuclear physics. Most of the time since, he has worked on infrared sensors, mainly at Naval Research Laboratory in Washington DC. He was NOT named after Ron Paul but is distantly related to physicist Wolftgang Pauli; unfortunately, only the “good looks” were handed down and not the brains. He writes assorted song lyrics and essays reflecting his cynicism and classical liberalism. Click on the “BAB’s A List” category to access the Pauli archive.