Category Archives: Comedy & Humor

Comedian Ricky Gervais Brings Back REAL, Roasting Satire

Celebrity, Comedy & Humor, Culture, Ethics, Film, Hollywood

Ricky Gervais’ opening monologue at the 77th annual Golden Globes was neither left nor right, it was just right: uproariously witty.

Here is the full transcript of Ricky Gervais’ roast of Hollywood, courtesy of The Daily Mail. The best parts I highlighted

Hello and welcome to the 77th annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel here in Los Angeles. I’m Ricky Gervais, thank you.

You’ll be pleased to know this is the last time I’m hosting these awards, so I don’t care anymore. I’m joking. I never did. I’m joking, I never did. NBC clearly don’t care either — fifth time. I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars for some offensive tweets — hello?

Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English and they’ve no idea what Twitter is, so I got offered this gig by fax. Let’s go out with a bang, let’s have a laugh at your expense. Remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no sequel, so remember that.

But you all look lovely all dolled up. You came here in your limos. I came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. No, shush. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for. OK? That must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her. And her dad was in Wild Hogs.

Lots of big celebrities here tonight. Legends. Icons. This table alone — Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro … Baby Yoda. Oh, that’s Joe Pesci, sorry. I love you man. Don’t have me whacked. But tonight isn’t just about the people in front of the camera. In this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world. People from every background. They all have one thing in common: They’re all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for ya. Talking of all you perverts, it was a big year for pedophile movies. Surviving R. Kelly, Leaving Neverland, Two Popes. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care.

Many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about that. Hollywood Foreign press are all very racist. Fifth time. So. We were going to do an In-Memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people who died, it wasn’t diverse enough. No, it was mostly white people and I thought, nah, not on my watch. Maybe next year. Let’s see what happens.

No one cares about movies anymore. No one goes to cinema, no one really watches network TV. Everyone is watching Netflix. This show should just be me coming out, going, “Well done Netflix. You win everything. Good night.” But no, we got to drag it out for three hours. You could binge-watch the entire first season of Afterlife instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself cause his wife dies of cancer and it’s still more fun than this. Spoiler alert, season two is on the way so in the end he obviously didn’t kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up. I know he’s your friend but I don’t care.

Seriously, most films are awful. Lazy. Remakes, sequels. I’ve heard a rumor there might be a sequel to Sophie’s Choice. I mean, that would just be Meryl just going, “Well, it’s gotta be this one then.” All the best actors have jumped to Netflix, HBO. And the actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy-adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isn’t acting anymore. It’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids, really. Have we got an award for most ripped junky? No point, we’d know who’d win that.

It’s the last time, who cares? Apple roared into the TV game with The Morning Show, a superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. Well, you say you’re woke but the companies you work for in China — unbelievable. Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service you’d call your agent, wouldn’t you?

So if you do win an award tonight, don’t use it as a platform to make a political speech. You’re in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg.

So if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent, and your God and f*** off, OK? It’s already three hours long. Right, let’s do the first award.

Archie Windsor Not The Most Famous Archie Ever

Britain, Celebrity, Comedy & Humor, English, Political Correctness

Well, whoop dee do! A royal baby is born.

Archie is a good name for the royal baby. Full name of the son of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex is Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor.

Who doesn’t love Archie Bunker, one of the great characters of good American TV, RIP? (Fine comedy/satire is a thing of the past.)

(Joke alert to the chronically mirthless.)

UPDATED (2/9): DEM Witches: Humor Is Not Acceptable (‘Mr. Chairman, I See That Your Five Minutes Is Up’)

Comedy & Humor, Democrats, Gender, Republicans

“Mr. Chairman, I see that your 5 minutes are up,” said acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker, a Republican, to the boss man, Democrat Jerrold Nadler, leading the House Judiciary inquisition against him.

Nadler laughed. He got the humor of being instructed (by the man who was not in charge) to wrap it up.

Whitaker took a chance to shoot back at Nadler, when the chairman’s questioning about his involvement with the Muller investigation slipped beyond the time limit for each lawmaker.

“Mr. Chairman, I see that your five minutes is up,” he said.

The room then broke into laughter as Nadler looked up with a shocked face that melted into a grin. He noted that he did not enforce the five-minute rule during Whitaker’s opening statement, then asked him to “answer the question, please.”

But Sheila Jackson Lee, joyless Democrat from Texas, was having none of the mirth. Is there a grimmer coven of witches than the Democrat women in Congress?

“Jackson Lee fired back at the perceived light-hearted comments”:

“Mr. Attorney General, we’re not joking here. And your humor is not acceptable.

She said that Congress has a duty and a right to ask him questions, and she told him that he needs to “behave appropriately,” and she will do the same.

Jackson Lee went on to press Whitaker on if he had discussed Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation with President Trump or members of his administration.

(House Judiciary Committee member Rep. Val Butler Demings (D-FL) was even scarier than Jackson Lee because so much more stupid.)

Classic: ‘Mr. Chairman, I See That Your Five Minutes Is Up’

UPDATED (2/3): Democrat Morals: Killing Newborns Is OK, Kidding Around Harmlessly Like A D-ck Isn’t

Abortion, Comedy & Humor, Democrats, Ethics, libertarianism, Morality, Race, Racism

On Wednesday, January the 30th, Democrats considered Dr. Ralph Northam an upstanding Democrat, even as he voiced support, in creepy dulcet tones, for how infanticide could work (very well, apparently). “Nothing to see here. Move on,” the Dems said collectively.

But by February 1st, Democrats deemed the good doctor to be absolutely toxic to their brand. Why? 1984 Medical school yearbook photos of Gov. Ralph Northam had surfaced in which he and a partner goof around in blackface and a KKK outfit.

Approve the killing of newborn kids: OK.

Kid around harmlessly like a d-ck: No way.

The farce was complete when Democrat interest groups called on Gov. Northam to resign because of his … racism in 1984, not his infanticide endorsement of 2019.

Killer picture:

UPDATE (2/3):

Proof Republicans are no different to Dems in using race to bludgeon opponents. Ditto lite libertarians; always kibitzing about racism. REAL LIBERTARIANS DON’T persecute others for THOUGHT CRIMES.