I want working for government to be one of the most dangerous jobs ever (unfortunately, the honest work of fishermen earns that distinction). So here’s my Swiftian suggestion:
Yes to radical affirmative action in the secret service. Not only should women and minorities be well-represented among the parasites’ security details; but they should be overrepresented.
Adjust admission tests, physical and cognitive, to rule out all so-called (wink-wink) cultural or gender bias. In other words, make the tests easier, or admit the desired gender and race with lower scores. Drop the IQ requirements by two standard deviations! And a bull’s eye on the target be damned. The new-intake shooters don’t need to drop an attacker; they can settle for grazing him.
ALSO, support the super obese for the secret service too! Smother the sons-of-guns in mountains of protective flesh, female, male or other.
Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine), ranking member of the Senate Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee, would approve. Sen. Collins “suggested Sunday that the problem [of prostitute abuse] could have been averted if more women were on duty.”
UPDATE: In reply to reader on Facebook. Satire is lost on most of my readers. Follow the link to find out what “swiftian” means: A Modest Proposal.